Falling on My Knees

When I was in my late 30's, I went through a time of spiritual searching.

My husband ~ wonderful
My children ~ healthy, beautiful.
Home ~ comfortable, secure.

Yet, there was a dull ache and the 'ground' was moving sand.
How could I feel this way?
What in the world did I want?

I have to admit, although I had a nice devotional time in the morning, and attended Bible studies...
my 'prayers' were mostly about self...
my past disappointments, my desires for the present and my hopes for the future.

So much time went by repeating prayers about self.

Then...one morning, before dawn...
like the bright light that knocked St. Paul off his horse and made him fall to the ground...
...for the first time in my life,
I began an understanding of Jesus in the garden the night before He died...
I fell off my horse ~ dropped to my knees ~ bowed my head
and
stayed there for the longest time.

It pierced me through and through and changed me forever.

The sweat, the blood, the prayers of the night before His death were for the
horrific physical torture that lay ahead.

... but only after...
The sweat, blood and prayers of how He gave up the Self.
He had thousands of followers.
The power of God.
He could have it all.
Worldly dreams,
the temptation of self aggrandizement shaking the ground...

But, to fulfill the will of the Father, Self needed to die.

When Self dies... Everything changes.
...and the instrument of torture became a path to the divine...

Prayer changes.
Wants, needs, self ~ fall to the wayside,
The Father knows about these things...

My Prayer changes.

Husband, still wonderful.
Children still beautiful
Home still comfy
for these I want to express gratitude...

I stop the noise in my head
wait for 'human noise' to quiet

and simply be with God.

~All is Gift ...... All is Blessing